Deli King

On a date undisclosed to the public, I made a trip to The Deli King Restaurant, located in Tewksbury, MA. Joining me on this journey to find inner piece with the breakfast gods were my associates, Alec Espinola, Matthew Leighton (who will also be referred to as Leightonemore), and Kenneth Trott.

(From left to right) Kenneth, Leightonemore, Alec, and myself ready to tie this breakfast to the bedposts and show it a good time.

Guess who's back, back, back. Back again. I'm back, back, back. Tell a friend. Guess who's back. Guess who's back. (If you couldn't tell, I quoted Eminem's hit song, "Without Me"  a bit there. I used it to introduce the re-return of Bacon, Eggs, and Passion. The best jokes are the ones you have to explain.)

Leading up to this trip, my associates Matthew and Alec were talking my ear off about The Deli King. So, one day on the basketball courts, after turning Alec's ankles into jelly while bumping Wiz Khalifer's, "Bake Sale" through the stereo, I decided to squeeze them into my busy schedule and made them an appointment with Bacon, Eggs, and Passion. I had to see if this Deli was the "King" of anything, or if they sat upon a throne of lies.

Eminem

ATMOSPHERE

Upon walking into The Deli King, my immediate thought was, "Whoa, this place is Italian as fuck." Like almost too Italian. Out of the four guys cooking behind the counter, 3 of them were named Vinny, and the fourth was named Rocco. This place was 100% a front for the Italian Mob, and you cannot convince me otherwise. "Maybe it's just a nice diner run by an Italian family Aidan." Please. I am as woke as they come. The dim lights in this diner were not to allow more natural sunlight to come in through the windows, but to make it nearly impossible to confirm any one's identity to the police or a certain cousin. If any family owned this diner it was the Corleone's (If you don't know this name watch, "The Godfather" for me one time.) Another huge red flag is that this place is CASH ONLY (ATM available in restaurant). Really? How more obvious can you be? I wouldn't have been the slightest bit surprised if a fight between a biker gang and a group of well dressed Italian Men broke out (That's a reference from, "A Bronx Tail." If you haven't seen a lot of classic mob movies, this is going to be a confusing part of the blog for you.) Part of me thinks Alec may be connected to whoever was running this whole bamboozle based on the light-cocoa tint of his skin, but I can neither confirm or deny this.  Kenneth, being the Orange-Headed Irishman that he is, was receiving dirty looks left and right. With all of this being said, I was keeping my head on a swivel. Being the King of Breakfast, I can see why people may want to come after me, and I don't plan on getting whacked any time soon.

Aside from all of this, the Italian's also have very sophisticated taste. The atmosphere at this place was exquisite yet simple, and warrants two thumbs up from me.

Poorly lit panoramic view of The Deli King

The Deli King Prides themselves on the good feedback of the locals, as well as a clean bill of health

Kenny admiring The Deli King's many accolades

Deli King booths with a great view of the street, maybe to see if any unwanted visitors have a certain agenda...

Leightonemore contemplating what he will stuff in his face hole

Action shot of Alec pointing out his meal of choice

                           

The Corleone Family

A Bronx Tale

SERVICE

The Deli King is unlike traditional diners, where the service you get are the cooks. You get in line, order your food, and then pay at the register. You then seat yourself. Cafeteria style. Only thing I noticed about the "service" was, like I said earlier, everyone was Italian. Not even a Greek guy pretending to be Italian. I'm talking "Having a poorly done Italian flag tattoo" Italian. That's it. One comment Leightonemore made about the service is how they treat everyone equally in that, "You could come up in here blasted on PCP and they'd serve us just the same." Nothing else to be said for service.

A questionably placed tattoo of Italy. 

I google image searched, "PCP Users" to give my readers awareness on why you shouldn't do PCP and the only person who came up was Ex-Patriot TE Aaron Hernandez.

PAINTING

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and this immaculate portrait placed above our booth had a lot to say. I've always felt I've had a special connection to art ever since I watched the first 15 minutes of The DaVinci Code and changed the station to watch South Park. Needless to say, this masterpiece had a lot to say. It is not even paralleled by those of Van Gogh and Banksy. Just by one look, I could tell this work was rich in history. It also takes a very mature set of eyes and mindset to truly appreciate art of such magnitude in this oily scenery, so while I break down this work for you, viewer discretion is advised.

"The Town Of Progress" painted by Frank

The first part of this painting that stuck out to me was the appearance of The Secretariat's father, The Accountant. That's right, The Accountant is the father of the Triple-Crown champion, The Secretariat. The cart The Accountant is hitched to is towing the seed that will one day flourish into a champion. It is also towing milk, which you can imagine became confusing and is a recipe for a disaster, which would also explain the look of distress on the milk man's face. Imagine, one wrong, thick, stringy gulp, and The Secretariat would have never made history that fateful day at the Belmont Stakes.

The Accountant, The Milk Man, and millions of little Secretariats waiting for "the big race"

Next we have the Fairgrounds General Store. This historical store was the first in its class, in that it was the first place in the world where condoms were made available for purchase. It started the Birth Control Movement of 1436, but by doing this, the store had to publicly secede from The Church of Eden (depicted in the left of the painting) which later evolved to become the first Church of Scientology in Tewksbury in 1516.

Fairgrounds General Store made practicing safe sex, safe. Old witch craft and satanic rituals were preformed before coitus to prevent pregnancy before said movement.

Tewksbury Church of Scientology

If you look to the far right building in this oily masterpiece you will find the law offices of Berny Feinstein. These offices were established in 64 B.C. specializing in work-injury compensation, and wrongfully placed vaginal-mesh, that could tear and lead to Mesothelioma. Fun Fact: These law offices are still operating today. If you feel you have been wronged in anyway, contact Burny Feinstein's law group at 1-978-407-1863.

The tree peaking up next to the law offices also has bark full of rich history. It is a special Dogwood Tree, only found in Tewksbury, Massachusetts. Below this particular Dogwood is where the Tewksbury Witch Trials of 2003 were held. Many wicken and wrongfully accused sorcerers were hung from the farthest right branch, and still haunt the streets of Tewksbury to this day.

Law offices of Birny Feinstein. It's your money and you need it now.

Haunted Dogwood Tree

FOOD

Now the moment you've all been chomping at the bit for, the meal. In this section, I always like to start with the drinks.

Alec, Leightonemore, and I all started with the classic breakfast beverage, Orange Juice. Now, unless you get O J, chocolate milk, coffee, or water (for expense purposes) as your drink, I immediately judge you. That is the Holy Trinity of Breakfast Beverages right there and to break that Trinity just shows what kind of person you are (a shitty one). The only person I try not to judge is Kenneth because he has a condition that if he doesn't have soda with every meal of the day he will vomit and die. Ironically this condition is also causing Kenneth to vomit and die, but in a slower fashion. The Deli King also serves beer, which is a little aggressive, but I looked inward and thought, "Sometimes aggression is a necessary thing." Beer could one day find itself into the holy breakfast beverage trinity. I'd have to be talked into it. Anyways this Orange Juice was immaculate. Alec told me the Oranges were freshly picked from their family Gardens on the shores of Sicily, and sailed directly to The Deli King. Before my first sip I wasn't sure but after just one gulp, I was positive this was Sicilian Orange Juice.

Kenneth said his coke tasted normal.

A lot of alcohols in a cooler. Looks to be a sufficient amount for about 75 people.

Now Alec and Leightonemore had been talking big game about the Deli King's signature breakfast sandwich, "The Boot King" so I felt obligated to see what the scuttlebutt was all about. I ordered it with extra bacon and a side of chocolate chip pancakes. I ordered the pancakes because right before getting in line, Leightonemore pulled me aside behind a plant so no one could see us and whispered in my ear, "The pancakes are fire. Fire like Firestone Tires." I was intrigued, anxious, and alarmed all at the same time, so I pulled the trigger on the pancakes, and found myself on edge until sitting down at the booth. Alec and Kenneth followed suit with their own variations of the pancakes (blueberry and BANANA). Leightonemore was not as hungry, and was pleased with just a Boot King. 

Now, as you know I don't hand out compliments lightly, but this had to be the best breakfast sandwich I've ever had in my life. I mean, whoa. The Italians know what they're doing when it comes to pimping out a simple breakfast sandwich. To start, the bacon was cooked to perfection. Not to crisp, and not to stringy, just how I like it. Very Goldilocks-Baby-Bear-Porridge-Esque. The next flavor to rush into my mouth were the eggs. Two of them. Fried how the gods intended. (Now I'm normally a scrambled egg guy, but asking the waitress/waiter/chef to throw scrambled eggs on a breakfast sandwich is a serial killer move, and if I ever witness anyone do it, they shouldn't be surprised when I stop answering their texts.) And then when you think its over, the home fries perform an all out blitzkrieg on your taste buds and remind you to never give up on your dreams, no matter how unrealistic they may seem. By the time this happens, all three elements of the sandwich are swirling around, mid-orgy in your mouth like a sexual washing machine. I was left speechless and satisfied. So satisfied actually, that I don't have much recollection of eating my chocolate chip pancakes. I don't remember them ruining my meal though, so they must have been pretty good.

Kenneth accounted for his banana pancakes (which also caused me to gain a bit of re2pect for him, because a banana pancake is a ballsy order, one that I don't make lightly and on a whim.) and said they tasted great.

My meal

Alec looking excited to delve into his meal.

Leightonemore could barely hold in his smile before feasting.

Kenny just happy to be apart of The Deli King experience.

Overall, my experience at The Deli King was a great one, and I'm not being threatened to say that while being fitted with cement shoes either. The cafeteria style threw me off at first, and I thought, "Oh god, please don't be like The Dream Diner" but I was very pleased with my experience. Another awesome thing about The Deli King is the $$$. By far one of the cheapest breakfast establishments I've been to, and to have the best breakfast sandwich of all time at an affordable price is always a win. Whether you're in the neighborhood or not, try to stop by The Deli King. (Deli King also serves lunch)

The Deli King: Reigning King of the Breakfast Sandwich

Cracker Barrel Old Country Store

A while back I made an early morning voyage to Cracker Barrel Old Country Store, located in Tewksbury, MA. Joining me on this Breakfast excursion were my associates Nicholas "Nickel Pickel" Dolan, and Madison Lamarre.

Nick, Madison, and I getting ready to make this Breakfast our bitch. (First blog back... gotta come out with a little aggression)

Don't call it a comeback.

I can't count the amount of people texting, calling, emailing, and sending fan mail, begging for me to, "Bring back the Breakfast Blog!" This confused me because last time I checked, it never left. I realize I haven't updated this blog in a while but trust me when I say I've been hard at work. I tried going to college for a bit and realized I'm way to cool for school. Plus, there was no major for Breakfast, so what was the point? I decided to take to the shadows to work on my craft, eating at countless diners, waiting to strike, and expose myself and new findings to the world at the right time. Kind of like Batman... or a child molester. (I'm not a child molester, that would be gross. Just ask any of the fourth graders I hang out with.. I'm cool.)

Batman? Or me eating breakfast? You decide.

Map of sex offenders' locations in the Tewksbury, MA area. As of May 3, 2016, there are 26 registered sex offenders living in Tewksbury. Stay safe. Walk in pairs. 

Steer clear of these guys.

Anyways, I realize Cracker Barrel is a chain, but chains have to be reviewed too. If it's good, you'll have a cheaper than usual breakfast spot you can stop by when you're in a pickle. If it's bad, hopefully my blog post will be able to slowly crush their business, and take them into bankruptcy, where they'll never be open to serve shitty, microwavable food again. Either way, I think it would be wise to inform you about them.

Cracker Barrel got my attention right off the bat with their title, by identifying themselves as a store instead of a restaurant. So I took it upon myself to find out what exactly they're selling. Good pancakes... or lies.


ATMOSPHERE

The first thing you do at Cracker Barrel is walk into the store. Waiting for you is a podium where you put your name in for a table. You then are free to browse the store while waiting to be seated.

A picture of me, showcasing Cracker Barrel's furniture for sale.

Walking into Cracker Barrel is like walking into a Grandparent's dream. In fact, I get a grandparent vibe before even walking in. Outside the store/restaurant are rocking chairs, benches, and oversized checkers, placed there to be showcased to sell and for you to try out and pass time. Everything out there are objects that would be included on the front porch of a rural home down south, owned by a Blanche and Clyde Sawyer, an elderly couple who has been married for 50 years, hanging out with their grandkids and antiquing by day, but owning the bingo room with a cutthroat mentality at night.

Inside of the store and restaurant wasn't much different. I felt like I was walking through some guys old shed on American Pickers (A television show on the history channel). Just a whole lot of random antique/retro stuff hanging from the walls and ceiling. From, candy, to farm equipment, to baby clothes, the store had it all. It was very random but fit very well at the same time. Inside of the restaurant area contained fake antique photos on the walls, with old wooden chairs and tables.

A look at the inside of the store.

Another look at the inside of the store.

Yet another look at the inside of the store.

Various types of soda pop available in store.

Ford Mustang Hat available at Cracker Barrel.

American Pickers

         

Booth where you make reservations to eat.

Madison checking out rural baby clothes for her future little munchkin.

"BUN IN THE OVEN!"

If you know Nick, you know he loves his chocolate! Especially Reese's! (He proceeded to buy this shirt)

A fourth look at the inside of the store... just in case you missed the first three.

A panoramic view of the dining area, featuring Madison and myself.

You could tell the theme here was strong and genuine, because it attracted the exact clientele it was targeting... the elderly. I honestly don't know if it is like this on a regular basis, or if there just happened to be an abundant amount of senior citizens that particular day, but this place was crawling with oldies. Who knows, it could have been a field trip from a nearby nursing home. Either way, the place reeked of adult diapers and wisdom. I kind of liked it.

Overall, Cracker Barrel has nailed the look they were going for. This theme was very well done, so the atmosphere gets a thumbs up from me.

"Maybe if I pretend if I have dementia, I'll get this meal for free."

"Subscribing to life alert was the greatest decision I've ever made."

"Where am I?"

This woman was staring into the camera right over Madison's shoulder... almost as if she knew it was coming. Nick and I believe this may have been future Madison, traveling back in time and coming to Cracker Barrel to warn Present Madison of what is to come in the future.

SERVICE

The service at Cracker Barrel was good. Nothing to lose your shirt over... but good. Very average in most ways, with a few studs here and there. With that being said, our waitress, Kaylin, was a stud in my book. I'll elaborate more on that later, because what really intrigued me was how Cracker Barrel brands their employees with stars to measure their competency on the job.

On the apron of each employee, are sewn on, gold stars. My guesses as to what they might represent are how long you've been working there, how good you are at your job, or even just a mind game the boss likes to play with the employees to keep them on their toes and working hard. (For example: "Why do you have 3 stars when I only have 1?! That's bullshit, you put way to much sugar in that old guys coffee, right after he specifically told you he had diabetes. You suck! I bet you don't even know the Cracker Barrel list of core values. I'm way better than you. This is all political." This causes a competitive nature with in the waiters/waitresses to do better work.) Either way, it was interesting to me because, as a customer, I'd be pretty pissed if they threw some shitty one-star employee my way. (Which is exactly what happened, but my one star happened to be delightful, so I didn't complain. She probably had kept less stars on her apron to stay modest or something.) My business is worth at least two and a half stars. I don't want some amateur fucking up my simple order of pancakes. I want a professional. The stars also prompted me to be very judging towards every employee. To me, anyone two stars or lower was worthless and deserved to be looked down upon.

Anyways, my service experience was good so I'll give Cracker Barrel the okay.

Someone spilled a drink on the floor. Probably a one-star if I had to guess.

Our waitress "Kaylin" rocking her one-star apron. In my Opinion she was a 3 star.

A rare sighting of a young "four star." Most employees work years to get to this status level. He must live and breathe Cracker Barrel. (Again, I don't really know what the stars mean, this is all just a big educated guess.)

This guy had a blank apron. No stars. No name. Nothing. He looked like a "Curtis" to me. A very "Gollum-like" character. I kept my distance as best I could. Curtis was up to something.

 

A young and rowdy "Rising Star" taking orders, clawing his way up the Cracker Barrel food chain, demolishing any one or thing in his way to the top.

Gollum from Lord of The Rings

KAYLIN'S CRAZY NIGHT

Earlier in the "Service" section of this post, I spoke about our waitress, Kaylin, who was an absolute stud. Now, her actual service skills were just average. She took our orders and brought out our food in a timely manner, made a little waitress-small-talk with us... you know, the usual. However, Kaylin grabbed my attention when she wielded the stories of the century, talking to us about her crazy night on the town, and somehow finding the will to show up only 10 minutes late to work the next day. (The story is pretty long so feel free to skipping ahead to the food section if that is what you care about and then coming back to it. Also, viewer discretion is advised.)

It all started with a text. "Come out and party with us!" Kaylin's friends hadn't seen her in a fort night due to her new job at Cracker Barrel, and she missed them dearly. Although she had a 7 am shift the next day she said, "Fuck it, I'm in." She got all gussied up, hopped in the car, and drove to New York City, where she met her friends at time square. They wasted no time getting started. The night was young and they were club hopping like frogs on lily pads in the Mississippi Bayou. The night changed when they took a short cut to the next club through a dark alley, and were approached by a hooded stranger.

The stranger walked up to Kaylin, and offered her a small packet of beans. Naturally... she said, "Fuck no. Get away from me." and proceeded to pace away from the, probably schizophrenic, stranger. 

Finally, Kaylin and her friends reached a club that met their partying needs, and started consuming alcohol at a dangerous rate. They were drinking like it was the end of the world. Absolute bananas. Kaylin's memory began to fade around this part of the story, but before blacking out, she remembered seeing the stranger, the same stranger from the dark alley, behind the bar, serving drinks. She began to freak out.

Her panic was not eased when the stranger's face made eye contact with her. His face began to grow a large grin, as he slowly revealed the small bag of beans he had offered her earlier in the night, and placing them on the bar top. 

Kaylin looked away in horror and averted his gaze. Then, after taking a large gulp of her drink, she noticed something at the bottom of her glass... A small legume. 

Lights flashed. Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen began to blare through the speakers of the club, growing unbearably loud. Kaylin was overwhelmed with fear and anxiety. The room began to spin. She closed her eyes and fell to the floor.

When she felt as if she had stopped spinning, she opened her eyes. Everything had gone silent. There was no one in sight, not even the stranger. She turned around and was greeted by a green door, covered in vines and small bean stalks.

Shaking with fear and anticipation she slowly opened the door, revealing a whole new world. It was an alternate universe, where everything was made from beans, and inhabited by lizard people. She was immediately welcomed by the village of Lizard people, and their leader, who had the voice of the stranger she met in the alley. The stranger/ Lizard People King proceeded to invite her to live there, and be Queen of the Lizard people, becoming immortal.

After serious consideration, Kaylin declined. She couldn't leave behind her friends, family, or her sweet new job at Cracker Barrel. She then proceeded to leave, and almost immediately black out from the amount of alcohol she had consumed. She woke up in bed, not knowing where anyone was, and proceeded to go to work, showing up at 7:10 for her shift. The End. All facts. Completely true.

(Honestly, that's not what Kaylin told me at all. I forgot what she said so I came up with this little short story to fill in the space. Normally, I wouldn't tell you this, but I don't want to break any cyber laws about defamation of character, so I'll come clean. Plus, I don't really know how Kaylin would feel about it, and she was nice enough to take a selfie with us so I didn't want to disrespect her in anyway.)

Selfie with our waitress, Kaylin.

FOOD

Now for the meat and potatoes of the blog (or should I say... pancakes and eggs). The food.

I was very pleasantly surprised by the food at Cracker Barrel. Most chains in the food industry worry only about speed, efficiency, and quantity. They don't give you a very quality meal or experience. However, Cracker Barrel is an exception. This was a rare chain restaurant that could actually compete with some diners with food quality.

Now, Cracker Barrel did take a few shortcuts here and there like any other chain, but they did it in the right place. With cheep paper menus, they save money and can easily replace them if they are ruined.

Another look at the menu.

A look at the menu.

With that being said, they did not cut any corners with the food, and if they did, I didn't notice, nor do I care. Ignorance is bliss. 

Nick and I both ordered buttermilk pancakes with a side of scrambled eggs and bacon. We were not disappointed. The pancakes were pretty big and tasted great. Cooked thin with a crispy edge, but nothing but fluffy pancake in the middle, there were no signs of microwaving here. Just an awesome tasting pancake. Along with the pancakes, we were given small syrup bottles, which were the only thing that they did seem to microwave. Both Nicholas and I agreed that it was an ingenious idea to microwave the syrup, and that it took our meal to the next level. We both thoroughly enjoyed it.

We were satisfied with the pancakes, when suddenly, the bacon and eggs decided to show up to the party. This was honestly some of the best bacon I've ever had. I thought about this long and hard, and I can say with a clear conscience and full heart that this bacon was an absolute game changer. A show stopper if you will. Dynamite. It was a little stringy (my preference), but also somehow crispy at the same time. It complimented the eggs and rest of the meal beautifully. By the way, the eggs were great too, but there's not much you can do when the bacon decides to steal the show.

Nick showcasing his meal, right before inhaling it at an alarming but impressive rate.

Me, getting focused and preparing my taste buds for glory.

Now enough about the experience Nick and I had. Madison ordered eggs with sausage and home fries, along with a side of apple sauce and grits. Overall, a pretty simple meal and kind of hard to mess up, and according to Madison, they didn't. She could not stop raving about the applesauce or home fries. "THEY WERE TO DIE FOR!", she exclaimed on the ride home. From what she told me, it was great... besides the grits.  

From what I hear, not many people like grits. They're a dish of coarsely ground corn kernels boiled with water or milk. To me, it sounds pretty gross. I've never really bothered trying them. To me, they resemble mashed potatoes, but without the great taste. However, some people believe they resemble steak, according to profound rapper Young Thug ("I scoop them grits on da plate, and she thought it was steak" -Young Thug). I have a great idea for grits. Get rid of them. replace them with something good, like maybe actual mashed potatoes, or steak. Grits seems like a food the amish created to eat. I won't penalize Cracker Barrel because of their grits. It's just not a good food. There's no way to make them tasty or appealing.

The lower half of Madison's face looking towards the camera as she enjoys her meal. Not depicted is future Madison, who is hidden in the background behind her right shoulder... watching her.

Overall I enjoyed my experience at Cracker Barrel. I wasn't expecting much, but was pleasantly surprised by the quality of the food service and atmosphere. On top of this, the food was cheap and filled you up so you get a good bang for your buck. If you're looking for a quick, cheap place to have breakfast, Cracker Barrel is a great option. (Side note: they also serve lunch and dinner, but they're famous for their breakfast.)



Cracker Barrel Old Country Store: Best of the best chain restaurants