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| Nick, Madison, and I getting ready to make this Breakfast our bitch. (First blog back... gotta come out with a little aggression) |
Don't call it a comeback.
I can't count the amount of people texting, calling, emailing, and sending fan mail, begging for me to, "Bring back the Breakfast Blog!" This confused me because last time I checked, it never left. I realize I haven't updated this blog in a while but trust me when I say I've been hard at work. I tried going to college for a bit and realized I'm way to cool for school. Plus, there was no major for Breakfast, so what was the point? I decided to take to the shadows to work on my craft, eating at countless diners, waiting to strike, and expose myself and new findings to the world at the right time. Kind of like Batman... or a child molester. (I'm not a child molester, that would be gross. Just ask any of the fourth graders I hang out with.. I'm cool.)
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| Batman? Or me eating breakfast? You decide. |
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| Map of sex offenders' locations in the Tewksbury, MA area. As of May 3, 2016, there are 26 registered sex offenders living in Tewksbury. Stay safe. Walk in pairs. |
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| Steer clear of these guys. |
Anyways, I realize Cracker Barrel is a chain, but chains have to be reviewed too. If it's good, you'll have a cheaper than usual breakfast spot you can stop by when you're in a pickle. If it's bad, hopefully my blog post will be able to slowly crush their business, and take them into bankruptcy, where they'll never be open to serve shitty, microwavable food again. Either way, I think it would be wise to inform you about them.
Cracker Barrel got my attention right off the bat with their title, by identifying themselves as a store instead of a restaurant. So I took it upon myself to find out what exactly they're selling. Good pancakes... or lies.
ATMOSPHERE
The first thing you do at Cracker Barrel is walk into the store. Waiting for you is a podium where you put your name in for a table. You then are free to browse the store while waiting to be seated.
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| A picture of me, showcasing Cracker Barrel's furniture for sale. |
Inside of the store and restaurant wasn't much different. I felt like I was walking through some guys old shed on American Pickers (A television show on the history channel). Just a whole lot of random antique/retro stuff hanging from the walls and ceiling. From, candy, to farm equipment, to baby clothes, the store had it all. It was very random but fit very well at the same time. Inside of the restaurant area contained fake antique photos on the walls, with old wooden chairs and tables.
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A look at the inside of the store. |
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| Another look at the inside of the store. |
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| Yet another look at the inside of the store. |
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| Various types of soda pop available in store. |
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| Ford Mustang Hat available at Cracker Barrel. |
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| American Pickers |
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| Booth where you make reservations to eat. |
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| Madison checking out rural baby clothes for her future little munchkin. |
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| "BUN IN THE OVEN!" |
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| If you know Nick, you know he loves his chocolate! Especially Reese's! (He proceeded to buy this shirt) |
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| A fourth look at the inside of the store... just in case you missed the first three. |
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| A panoramic view of the dining area, featuring Madison and myself. |
You could tell the theme here was strong and genuine, because it attracted the exact clientele it was targeting... the elderly. I honestly don't know if it is like this on a regular basis, or if there just happened to be an abundant amount of senior citizens that particular day, but this place was crawling with oldies. Who knows, it could have been a field trip from a nearby nursing home. Either way, the place reeked of adult diapers and wisdom. I kind of liked it.
Overall, Cracker Barrel has nailed the look they were going for. This theme was very well done, so the atmosphere gets a thumbs up from me.
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| "Maybe if I pretend if I have dementia, I'll get this meal for free." |
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| "Subscribing to life alert was the greatest decision I've ever made." |
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| "Where am I?" |
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| This woman was staring into the camera right over Madison's shoulder... almost as if she knew it was coming. Nick and I believe this may have been future Madison, traveling back in time and coming to Cracker Barrel to warn Present Madison of what is to come in the future. |
SERVICE
The service at Cracker Barrel was good. Nothing to lose your shirt over... but good. Very average in most ways, with a few studs here and there. With that being said, our waitress, Kaylin, was a stud in my book. I'll elaborate more on that later, because what really intrigued me was how Cracker Barrel brands their employees with stars to measure their competency on the job.
On the apron of each employee, are sewn on, gold stars. My guesses as to what they might represent are how long you've been working there, how good you are at your job, or even just a mind game the boss likes to play with the employees to keep them on their toes and working hard. (For example: "Why do you have 3 stars when I only have 1?! That's bullshit, you put way to much sugar in that old guys coffee, right after he specifically told you he had diabetes. You suck! I bet you don't even know the Cracker Barrel list of core values. I'm way better than you. This is all political." This causes a competitive nature with in the waiters/waitresses to do better work.) Either way, it was interesting to me because, as a customer, I'd be pretty pissed if they threw some shitty one-star employee my way. (Which is exactly what happened, but my one star happened to be delightful, so I didn't complain. She probably had kept less stars on her apron to stay modest or something.) My business is worth at least two and a half stars. I don't want some amateur fucking up my simple order of pancakes. I want a professional. The stars also prompted me to be very judging towards every employee. To me, anyone two stars or lower was worthless and deserved to be looked down upon.
Anyways, my service experience was good so I'll give Cracker Barrel the okay.
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| Someone spilled a drink on the floor. Probably a one-star if I had to guess. |
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| Our waitress "Kaylin" rocking her one-star apron. In my Opinion she was a 3 star. |
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| A rare sighting of a young "four star." Most employees work years to get to this status level. He must live and breathe Cracker Barrel. (Again, I don't really know what the stars mean, this is all just a big educated guess.) |
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| This guy had a blank apron. No stars. No name. Nothing. He looked like a "Curtis" to me. A very "Gollum-like" character. I kept my distance as best I could. Curtis was up to something. |
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| A young and rowdy "Rising Star" taking orders, clawing his way up the Cracker Barrel food chain, demolishing any one or thing in his way to the top. |
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| Gollum from Lord of The Rings |
KAYLIN'S CRAZY NIGHT
Earlier in the "Service" section of this post, I spoke about our waitress, Kaylin, who was an absolute stud. Now, her actual service skills were just average. She took our orders and brought out our food in a timely manner, made a little waitress-small-talk with us... you know, the usual. However, Kaylin grabbed my attention when she wielded the stories of the century, talking to us about her crazy night on the town, and somehow finding the will to show up only 10 minutes late to work the next day. (The story is pretty long so feel free to skipping ahead to the food section if that is what you care about and then coming back to it. Also, viewer discretion is advised.)
It all started with a text. "Come out and party with us!" Kaylin's friends hadn't seen her in a fort night due to her new job at Cracker Barrel, and she missed them dearly. Although she had a 7 am shift the next day she said, "Fuck it, I'm in." She got all gussied up, hopped in the car, and drove to New York City, where she met her friends at time square. They wasted no time getting started. The night was young and they were club hopping like frogs on lily pads in the Mississippi Bayou. The night changed when they took a short cut to the next club through a dark alley, and were approached by a hooded stranger.
The stranger walked up to Kaylin, and offered her a small packet of beans. Naturally... she said, "Fuck no. Get away from me." and proceeded to pace away from the, probably schizophrenic, stranger.
Finally, Kaylin and her friends reached a club that met their partying needs, and started consuming alcohol at a dangerous rate. They were drinking like it was the end of the world. Absolute bananas. Kaylin's memory began to fade around this part of the story, but before blacking out, she remembered seeing the stranger, the same stranger from the dark alley, behind the bar, serving drinks. She began to freak out.
Her panic was not eased when the stranger's face made eye contact with her. His face began to grow a large grin, as he slowly revealed the small bag of beans he had offered her earlier in the night, and placing them on the bar top.
Kaylin looked away in horror and averted his gaze. Then, after taking a large gulp of her drink, she noticed something at the bottom of her glass... A small legume.
Lights flashed. Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen began to blare through the speakers of the club, growing unbearably loud. Kaylin was overwhelmed with fear and anxiety. The room began to spin. She closed her eyes and fell to the floor.
When she felt as if she had stopped spinning, she opened her eyes. Everything had gone silent. There was no one in sight, not even the stranger. She turned around and was greeted by a green door, covered in vines and small bean stalks.
Shaking with fear and anticipation she slowly opened the door, revealing a whole new world. It was an alternate universe, where everything was made from beans, and inhabited by lizard people. She was immediately welcomed by the village of Lizard people, and their leader, who had the voice of the stranger she met in the alley. The stranger/ Lizard People King proceeded to invite her to live there, and be Queen of the Lizard people, becoming immortal.
After serious consideration, Kaylin declined. She couldn't leave behind her friends, family, or her sweet new job at Cracker Barrel. She then proceeded to leave, and almost immediately black out from the amount of alcohol she had consumed. She woke up in bed, not knowing where anyone was, and proceeded to go to work, showing up at 7:10 for her shift. The End. All facts. Completely true.
(Honestly, that's not what Kaylin told me at all. I forgot what she said so I came up with this little short story to fill in the space. Normally, I wouldn't tell you this, but I don't want to break any cyber laws about defamation of character, so I'll come clean. Plus, I don't really know how Kaylin would feel about it, and she was nice enough to take a selfie with us so I didn't want to disrespect her in anyway.)
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| Selfie with our waitress, Kaylin. |
FOOD
Now for the meat and potatoes of the blog (or should I say... pancakes and eggs). The food.
I was very pleasantly surprised by the food at Cracker Barrel. Most chains in the food industry worry only about speed, efficiency, and quantity. They don't give you a very quality meal or experience. However, Cracker Barrel is an exception. This was a rare chain restaurant that could actually compete with some diners with food quality.
Now, Cracker Barrel did take a few shortcuts here and there like any other chain, but they did it in the right place. With cheep paper menus, they save money and can easily replace them if they are ruined.
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| Another look at the menu. |
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| A look at the menu. |
With that being said, they did not cut any corners with the food, and if they did, I didn't notice, nor do I care. Ignorance is bliss.
Nick and I both ordered buttermilk pancakes with a side of scrambled eggs and bacon. We were not disappointed. The pancakes were pretty big and tasted great. Cooked thin with a crispy edge, but nothing but fluffy pancake in the middle, there were no signs of microwaving here. Just an awesome tasting pancake. Along with the pancakes, we were given small syrup bottles, which were the only thing that they did seem to microwave. Both Nicholas and I agreed that it was an ingenious idea to microwave the syrup, and that it took our meal to the next level. We both thoroughly enjoyed it.
We were satisfied with the pancakes, when suddenly, the bacon and eggs decided to show up to the party. This was honestly some of the best bacon I've ever had. I thought about this long and hard, and I can say with a clear conscience and full heart that this bacon was an absolute game changer. A show stopper if you will. Dynamite. It was a little stringy (my preference), but also somehow crispy at the same time. It complimented the eggs and rest of the meal beautifully. By the way, the eggs were great too, but there's not much you can do when the bacon decides to steal the show.
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| Nick showcasing his meal, right before inhaling it at an alarming but impressive rate. |
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| Me, getting focused and preparing my taste buds for glory. |
Now enough about the experience Nick and I had. Madison ordered eggs with sausage and home fries, along with a side of apple sauce and grits. Overall, a pretty simple meal and kind of hard to mess up, and according to Madison, they didn't. She could not stop raving about the applesauce or home fries. "THEY WERE TO DIE FOR!", she exclaimed on the ride home. From what she told me, it was great... besides the grits.
From what I hear, not many people like grits. They're a dish of coarsely ground corn kernels boiled with water or milk. To me, it sounds pretty gross. I've never really bothered trying them. To me, they resemble mashed potatoes, but without the great taste. However, some people believe they resemble steak, according to profound rapper Young Thug ("I scoop them grits on da plate, and she thought it was steak" -Young Thug). I have a great idea for grits. Get rid of them. replace them with something good, like maybe actual mashed potatoes, or steak. Grits seems like a food the amish created to eat. I won't penalize Cracker Barrel because of their grits. It's just not a good food. There's no way to make them tasty or appealing.
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| The lower half of Madison's face looking towards the camera as she enjoys her meal. Not depicted is future Madison, who is hidden in the background behind her right shoulder... watching her. |
Overall I enjoyed my experience at Cracker Barrel. I wasn't expecting much, but was pleasantly surprised by the quality of the food service and atmosphere. On top of this, the food was cheap and filled you up so you get a good bang for your buck. If you're looking for a quick, cheap place to have breakfast, Cracker Barrel is a great option. (Side note: they also serve lunch and dinner, but they're famous for their breakfast.)
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